I am woman, hear me complain

I am woman, ok, not really a woman but at least I know how women feel. If you really want to get technical on all of this the honest truth is that I am so un PC that I am happy to admit that I do not even have an itty bitty bit  of a feminine side to enhance let alone explore. Just call me an unrefined, conservative, wacko and you will most assuredly get me right.

Let me explain my new found understanding of women.... you do need to follow along because quite frankly this blog entry is probably more insane then most of the others that I have posted and did so with great embarrassment later.

I am a Kansas City Chiefs fan (see, I told you this was embarrassing) so I proudly wear my Chiefs shirt in public, even though I live in the Boston area. I actually had the guts to scoot around town today in my KC Chiefs shirt and was totally amazed at the reaction of people.... It made me realize what it was like to be a woman in modern American.

Ok, I know that you are totally lost with me finding a deep understanding with how  women feel because I wore a shirt with a simple NFL logo on it but it is true. Every where I went today people acted strange. I will give you an example of the strangeness..... I went in to pay for a bit of gas today and the jerk behind the counter NEVER looked at my face, he simply looked at my chest and smiled. The same thing happened at the  grocery store. Instead of looking at my face they all looked at the logo on my chest.

I finally had enough of this obvious sexual  harassment and told the last guy that my eyes are not on my chest but instead he needed to pull his gaze up a foot or so...... the next time a woman complains about guys not looking at them I will be able to say honestly that I feel their pain.

Insanity?

There are times in life when a guy just has to admit that he ain't the smartest thing on the block. It is well known that I am not always there when it comes to skills in the kitchen, if I had to cook for Fat Albert he would end up as some sort of anorexic that was one day away from starving to death. I fully understand the idea of nasty food, I was at Cuzco Peru and ate a wonderful rotten fish dish that made me throw up and actually see the meals I had eaten the month before but this time I had a great idea. It seemed quite simple, bacon and lots of it in a cake.... this means bacon in the cake, bacon in the icing and bacon as the decoration.

I have a wonderful wife, she is sexy, beautiful and smart, in this case smart might not be an attribute. I had a friend on Facebook that had the gull to post on my wall a picture of a chocolate cake with bacon on top of it. I thought that since I was not only a guy but a real he-man kind of guy that I could out do any photo of a simple cake with bacon on the top.

Judy, the love of my life, explained to me that I could make my  dream cake if I could follow a couple of rules... 1. I had to put it together outside (mix it).
2. I had to cook it outside.
3. I had to find someone else totally as insane as I was that would help me with the creation of this Frankenstein dessert.

This was no problem to me, I could easily mix a cake out side and of course I am king of grilling things outside so the only problem was finding a person who was insane as me. I have a business partner and friend who lives next door to me and while the best of friends she even thought my latest idea was simply insane. The nice thing though is she has a daughter who when I broached the idea of a bacon cake cooked outside thought it would be lark to give it a try.

Judy, while I love her totally, was not happy that I was able to complete each of her requirements, so with her reluctant blessing I was off to cook the wonderfully ignoramus cake that I so desired. Simply put, it was great, bacon, vanilla and sprinkles cake with bacon and chocolate icing with a bacon smiley face as decoration on top.

Elsie (my equally insane neighbor) and I have decided to create a bacon and chocolate cheese cake next. The funny thing is that now there are a few more people who want to work on this endeavor. I guess after all the work to get people to even try out the bacon cake (then they loved it) I have now set the trend for modern food.

Elsie and I are the masters of bacon dessert but there is always room for the up and comers in the world of bacon.

In case you wonder, the date on the photo is totally wrong. :-)

Stinking Coon

I just saw something I have never seen in my life and if I had not moved to the "civilized" land of the North Shore of the Boston area I would have simply missed something in my life. It was never on my bucket list of things to see or do before I died but it was something to remember for the rest of my life. This event ended with a very large stinking coon.

Judy and I stepped out into our backyard to enjoy the wonderful New England spring evening, we were talking under the star lit night like boyfriend and girlfriends have done since the beginning of time (by the way, we are married but she still is my girlfriend). Then the air was pierced with a sharp and loud cry from our next door neighbors backyard. I was not sure if it was a human, animal or a New England Bigfoot so I jumped up and ran to the fence to see if I needed to save someone from being beaten up or maybe help someone beat up a Bigfoot.

I did not know what to expect as I peered through the darkness of my neighbors yard but what I saw simply amazed me. It was a raccoon and a skunk having a fight both screaming and yelling at each other. The skunk finally ran off but left the pleasant smell that only a skunk can leave.

The Raccoon looked victorious at first till it realized that while he had won the battle he now stunk to high heaven and simply had lost the war.

Kate (my neighbor), if you are reading this then please know that I did not stink up your house..... it was the stinking coon that caused the stench.

Bear Jerky

Sometimes people forget how grand it is to have parents that are great people. My mother and father are headed up to the wild and wooly Boston coast line to visit Judy, me and the girls. I am excited about seeing both of them but it put me into a mood of thinking about why I adore them. I know, the simply way to answer this is to say that they are my parents so I have to honor them and love them but there has to be more to my feelings then that.

The thing I am most thankful for with my mother is that she did not kill me when I was just a lad. Letting birds loose in the house, putting a HUGE snapping turtle in the tub (we only had one bathroom by the way), letting 100+ crawfish loose in the garage to crawl into little spaces, die and then stink up the whole house, digging up our backyard and stocking a small pond with catfish, bringing home a 5 foot snake I caught..... I think you get the type of kid I was... yet she never killed me. As an adult I am pretty sure she must have thought about it for a split second several times but thankfully she is an even tempered Christian woman.

My father was the toughest man around, at least to my eyes as a child. I never saw him in a fight, I never saw him scream at people, I simply knew that he could whip anyone and anything if he had to. I was positive that when he and I were out climbing mountains that if we ran into a bear that he would not only fight to protect me from the varmint but when it was all over we would be walking back to the camp site eating bear jerky.

This brings me to the value as an adult that I have found with my father. He taught me that you can be tough, a REAL man and not have to go around fighting every fight. I never saw my parents in one of those screaming arguments with each calling the other names. He simply showed me how to be a man, how to treat my wife and how to love my kids...... thanks Dad!!!

By the way Dad, when you get here lets go hiking and try to bring some bear jerky home with us.

My Biggest Secret

What do husbands and dads do when the family is all out and they are left at home? Sports, Porn, Napping, Blogging..... exactly what does a guy like me do when nobody is around and they have the house to themselves?

This is where it all seems simple to me......


I am going to be totally honest, I am the one who has been elected to mop, wash dishes do the laundry and simply keep the house clean so of course these things are part of the ritual but honestly cleaning does not take too much time so I have plenty more stuff I can do. I was given most of today at home with no else so it was time for me to go back to simply being a guy and do what I want.

This has been my schedule so far with this freedom from people knowing what I do with time of my own.

Cleaned on the house - simply put I do not want everyone to think I goofed off all day
Put on the Rugby game
Cooked the meal that the women of my house say no to

So I am sitting here watching Rugby, eating fried potato mush, chicken hearts and a bacon shake. The only concern is that Judy comes home early and discovers my deep dark secret of what I do when no one else is at home.

PLEASE!!!!! what ever you do PLEASE do not let her in on my deep dark secrete .........

By the way the seeds in the photo are for me to plant in our garden..... it is MY idea for a garden, I am still a guy and do what I want. Sometimes.......

The Curious Story of Professor Donald Morton

This is a strange story, not because of the actions of Professor Donald R. Morton, because he acted like most of us would in his situation. The story is strange because Professor Donald Morton is the Director of the Graduate Program in Crime and Justice Studies at Suffolk University and you would think that he would be smart enough to figure out a simple crime.

To start the story off, I had an old laptop that I received several months ago. It came with tons of other stuff and I only bought the lot for one of the items. I, being the super smart guy that I am, decided to liquidate the other things by selling them on craigslist. The old laptop did not come with a power supply so I was selling it for cheap money.

I received a call from Don and he said he was interested in buying the computer. He said he lives in Boston and I live a good 20 miles away. He kept pushing me to drive to Boston and telling me that he would probably buy it. Now, I am a greedy kind of guy but there is no way that I am going to make a 40 mile round trip for pretty close to no money. Our talking went back and forth for several days and we could never find a place that was closer to me to do the deal so I just pretty much wrote off selling him the machine.

This morning I received one of the strangest emails from Professor Donald Morton, he claimed I went to his place, told his partner that I was thirsty and then dashed out with his computer while his partner went for the water. I felt sorry for the guy because that would really stink, being robbed like that. I explained that I was not the guy but I would be happy to help him if there was anything I could do.

He sent me a few more emails accusing me of being the guy so I sent him information from Craigslist that showed I listed the laptop 7 days BEFORE the day he claimed that his was stolen. This is where it becomes curious to me, Professor Donald Morton still did not believe what even Craigslist had to say so he said that he would meet me, he claimed that I am a black, male in my 30's and his partner would easily ID me. I chose the Marblehead police station and thought that would prove that I was not the guy..... mysteriously it was at the time I offered to meet him at the police station that he decided to stop talking with me.

I did take quite abit of offense over his description of me. I mean come on, I am in my 40s and would hate to think that I was still an immature 30ish year old. The "accusation" of being black was not that big of a deal because Michael Jackson later in life was about my skin color but even he did not have blue eyes. I do have to concede though that he is right about me being a male and I am proud to have picked being a male when I was born.

I honestly would assume that Director of the Graduate Program in Crime and Justice Studies at Suffolk University would have figured out that a white, guy who had the computer for sell a week before his was stolen by a black guy was probably not the man he was looking for.

After all of his threats, accusations, phone calls and emails I thought I would lay out the case and let the reader figure out if he is just off in this one situation or am I a time traveler that turns into a younger black guy when I go to the future to steal inexpensive items.


Ohhhhh, one more question. What could possibly be on a persons hard drive if their computer was stolen, they have a perfect description of the person who took it and the person was at their place while their partner was there....... yet they did not call the police to file a report? Mmmmmm, it does make a person wonder what they are trying to hide. It is also interesting that after offering to meet at the local police station Professor Donald R. Morton stopped talking with me.

Is Tim Allen an Antichrist?

Lets be frank here, I live in a household of women. I have the most wonderful of all wives, I have three of the most spectacular daughters ever created by God, our best friend is a woman that also has 4 daughters and they all live next door, and even our two female cats are great pets. I have to say though that I am the lone person around that is a true guy and that is sometimes an odd thing.

Tim Allen.... the question to me becomes is he going to be the voice of guys like me. Are we going to finally have a show were a guy actually has testosterone but does not hate the women in his life. Are guys like me finally going to be able to have a show about the oddities that happen to a real guy living with with wonderful and strong women or are we once again going to be shown a "savior" that is false, an antichrist so to speak.

I love Tim's earlier work and have great hope for his new show..... I guess I will have to wait till it is shown but since I am a guy I have no problem saying that it is the best show on TV, I am sure all real men will love it and any woman that loves a guy will at the very least like it.... Guys are like that, we have no problem telling you about things that we have no idea if it is true..... but I am sure that I am right.