Things I Would Never Say!!

Running around with girls on a Saturday doing what any normal guy would do. I then realized that I was actually saying things that I am sure sometime in my past I would have died if I knew I was to say them. They are not bad but just bizarre when looking at them as if I were some 18 year old. How could a "real" man actually utter some of these and not be shunned by the likes of Boy George for being to big of a sissy.

1. No, I like the bright pink one much better then this lighter pink one.

2. Do you make a lettuce salad that is diet and not just regular? Oh, I would also like a double dip hot Carmel sundae.

3. I would like a veggie burger with bacon..... Yes, I know that bacon is not a vegetable.

4. Ummm, I guess he might be cute.

5. No!!!, I will not ask him his name.

6. Please do not make me stand outside of the women's changing rooms for to long by myself.

7. Yes ma'am, I do have a reason for standing around the women's changing rooms for so long.

8. So, the Irish won the rugby game. (How did I run into the only woman who watched rugby in Oklahoma so she could spoil the game for me.}

9. Yes, we can eat there and yes I will ask the waiter to keep the deep fried chicken feet off our table.

10. That is one of my favorite Hannah Montana songs too.

When I felt like I had lost all of my manhood for the day I was able to gain it back with one sentence......

I have no problem with you liking any boy as long as I am able to kill him with my bare hands.


I do love Saturday afternoons, not quite what I thought they would be when I was younger but still very entertaining.


This was one of the top rated blogs from February of this year..... I hope you enjoyed it.

The new blogs will be available for public viewing soon, including ones that preview our authors and musicians from EMP, one for humor, political inside info and the infamous e-blog. If you have information or would like to submit anything for one of the new blogs please either email or inbox me on Facebook.

Squirrel Sausage

I got a phone call this morning from a friend around 5 am, that is not a problem because I was up. He excitedly told me to get to his house because he had made a fresh batch of squirrel sausage. Now, I am a normal human and eating a tree rodent was not on the top of my list of things to do in life. I really do like the guy so even though I had great misgivings I told him no problem. I am not sure if it is an Okie thing, a rural thing or if my friends are just strange.

I arrived at his house and there were several other guys already there watching Alan cook over the stove. It is always strange to see a group of men excitedly watching another guy cook in the kitchen... over a grill outside is another story.

We all grabbed plates (yes, real men do use plates) and heaped large portions of scrambled eggs and sausage on them and headed off to the living room to eat (this is the room guys eat in when there are no women around).

Alan said a prayer before we dug in and mentioned while praying that the meat would be good and not harmful. When he said that I had to look up to see if he was joking but he continued to pray. As I stared at him wondering what he knew about it that I did not I realized every other guy in the room was doing the exact same thing as I.

After the prayer we all started digging in to the eggs being careful not to eat the meat. I finally asked Alan what did he mean about the meat being harmful and he explained that there might be some shot left in the meat and he did not want someone to break a tooth or accidentally swallow any. I figured that one of my greatest desires in life was to keep all ammo on the outside of my body not ever letting it penetrate my skin or even accidentally swallowing any but decided that I would carefully give it a try.

I took my first bite and WOW the stuff was great! I ate several large portions and even took some home for later, I will see if I can get Alexis to eat any. This turned out to be something that was never on my list of things to try in life but I am glad I did it anyways. I suppose the moral of the story is "you should never hate something till you have tried it and have a good reason to hate it".....or maybe it is that I will eat anything at least once.

This was one of the top rated blogs from January of this year..... I hope you enjoyed it.

The new blogs will be available for public viewing soon, including ones that preview our authors and musicians from EMP, one for humor, political inside info and the infamous e-blog. If you have information or would like to submit anything for one of the new blogs please either email or inbox me on Facebook.

One Hot Woman

I am sitting outdoors in the backyard slaving away working on a book that we are publishing, I wish I were the great author but alas I am just the publisher. Later this afternoon I will be working for a musical talent that I am sure will do well in the near future. There is nothing like the internet, I can work with people in Maine, Oregon, New York, Oklahoma and California and never leave my chair.

This working outside does have a major problem though. While I am sitting here trying to figure out promotions, editors and music mixers I am drawn to staring at a young woman who is sun bathing. I have never been one to stare or even one to ogle on the sly but this woman is different. She draws me in even though she is not even looking at me.

...... OH MAN, she just got up and walked over to my table and is talking with me. I guess I am still typing so I will not stare and look like the 14 year old that I feel like......

Ok, she did tell me that it is ok because, well, it is my girlfriend. I am one lucky guy because I love her mind, soul, spirit and who she actually is. They lucky part is that the woman I am so enthralled with is also  "one hot woman". It honestly would not make any difference what she looked like but I have to say...... I am lucky that she is so hot as well.

Dis-Lex-E-Ism

I always have been able to do this odd little trick. I can read upside down, in a mirror image or even the correct right side up way equally as well. This has never been a problem and is actually is pretty cool trick but there are also some strangeness that goes along with this trick.

I can read VERY fast with 100% comprehension and retention but I have never been able to spell very well. This has always seemed strange to my teachers and even my parents  but to me it seemed normal. In the age of word processors the problem has not been as bad as it could be because spell checkers have helped pickup where my weakness is. I still do write and speak "backwards" sometimes.

A couple of days ago I was speaking to a young lady who is going to college to become a school teacher. Ari, a brilliant young women, is one of those people who seems to have been created to be the perfect teacher. We started talking and I was telling her about my odd behavior when she started asking me questions in a rapid manner.

Ari was never pushy but instead allowed me to try and explain each answer. She stopped me in the middle of one of my answers and she said that I might want to check out to see if I had dyslexia. I did a little research on this suggestion and amazingly this 20 year old "kid" had figured out something about me that I never had known. No teacher, parent or adult had understood while growing up this "problem" existed with in me.

The fact is this blog is nothing more then a way for me to let others know that we adults do not have all of the answers. It was a little hard to listen and actually learn from a young one but I am now better equipped with knowledge then I have been before. I would love to hear other adults email me stories of how they have learned something from "kids". It is time for we adults to realize that young people are not all idiots and even now they can add to the betterment of our lives and the world.

Thanks Ari..... you will be a great school teacher and even today you are teaching me things about myself.

The Manly art of Needlepoint

My daughter decided she would create a pillow doing all of the design and artwork herself. This became a small problem to me in trying to help and aid my young one in the skills that are required to do that type of work. I am never one to back down from a challenge so I took all of my manly pride and stuffed it someplace deep where I would never find it again and decided I would go look for help.

To my utter surprise there are actual stores that sell mainly needlepoint products and the ladies there are very helpful. I tried to explain that I knew nothing but my honey eyed daughter can get me to do anything when she smiles and gives me a hug. The ladies laughed and said it is rare for a dad to come for help but it is not unheard of.

They walked me through the steps and products that are needed and did NOT try to over sell me. I tried to find the proper "apron" but never could find one that quite suited me so I went with a plain green one... kind of manly I suppose.

Once at home I tried my skills out before I would help my daughter later when I realized that Needlepoint is not done by very many men because it is HARD. Forget the whole concept of needlepoint being for sissy's, needlepoint is only for the toughest of the tough. Have you ever wondered why so many tough little grandmothers do needlepoint. Its because their husbands are either dead or scared to come around when she pulls out her thread and needles.

The truth seems to be that needlepoint is only for the hardest of men or for sweet and kindly women who look nice and kind but can hunt down a bear, kill it, gut it and cook it over a fire with only the aid of a needle and a bit of colorful thread.

Preparing to Take Down My Enemy

We all have those who wish us harm. These creatures seem to have no morals when they attack and can only be stopped when you shine the light of day on their deep dark hearts. The evil permeates throughout their minds and souls and we, the righteous, have a duty to do what ever it takes to stop them.

In business, we all have those who wish to beat us but usually they are just acting to out maneuver you in work. In social setting you always have at least one person who is just plain nuts and will say whatever sounds the most exciting to them even if it is not true. These individuals you just feel sorry for because their life is so boring that they need to find excitement through gossip.

The true evil creature is the one who comes after you on a personal level, these people can be stalkers, so called friends, neighbors or in my case a ground hog (I still have stalkers but I just laugh at them now). The ground hog seems to taunt me every time he shows up. He devours all of the gardens in the neighborhood, chases the squirrels and I am pretty sure is part of the global warming fiasco, why else would a large rodent be watched to determine when summer is coming.

Because I am a true conservative I do not believe in killing one of God's creatures just for the sake of killing. This was limiting my options so I checked to see if there were any good recipes for ground hog. To my dismay everyone of them sounded like something that the French would pass off as something tasty and well .... French. Thus I cannot kill my enemy but can only plan on taking it down.

I have made a list of things I need as I prepare for the greatest battle of my life. Flashlight, cat carrier, leather gloves, home made trap and several other important items. These may or may not help but at least I feel like I am preparing for the great war. As I am sitting here writing this my great enemy is sitting by the cabbage plants gnawing away, tormenting me with the wit that only a genetically altered rat can have.

I shall prevail, it may take several days and I may not survive myself but my enemy will be brought down at last.

To Much Estrogene

                                                           Lynard?


I am a guy, 100% filled with testosterone that oozes out of every pore on my body. I love the manly sports such as AMERICAN football, rugby, hockey and even the occasional "pull my finger" contest. Recently though, I have found myself in the realm of estrogen city where I am literally the odd MAN out.

I have found myself surrounded by women where even the pet cats are female. Judy, her daughters and even my new friends all seem to be of the female persuasion. This is fine with me but I lack that time when a good burp is something to be proud of instead of something you suppress like a deep and honest feeling.

There are two saving graces to my horror story of brewing in the female hormone and that is Larry and Danny. One is an 18 year old NASCAR fan who even gets his girlfriend to work on cars and the other is a guy around 70 who has taught me when to shut up and just smile. Wisdom can be found in both of these guys but I would have to say the 70 year old has proven that you can live around women and not be killed in your sleep.

It does make me wonder when there is an outdoor party and Larry and I are the only guys. There is a shed in the yard that the women all claim cannot be unlocked and then they start laughing about some guy named Lynard that is buried in there. When the conversation turns to this poor soul whose ghost lives in the backyard I look towards Larry for reassurance but he just stands there with a smile on his face and his mouth shut...... I guess that is why he is still alive.

I do enjoy my life and love the fact that women add so much more too whom and what I am but I will always be a guy. One of those odd creatures that love violent sports, rare steaks and needs to ask if my pants match by shirt or if I even need to wear pants. Thankfully there will always be friends and loved ones that are female and can help answer such deep questions. It is great that the Creator made us all so different and even better that he made at least half of us smarter to help the other half.

Boiled Meat

I grew up and lived many years in cattle country where men are men and cows are nervous (eaten, not the old joke...ok?). In the great states of Oklahoma and Oregon we understand that you take a slab of cow and throw it on fire to make it tasty. This works with other animals as well but for a family blog I will leave out the assortment of road kill that is also made delicious with this treatment.

I have recently been introduced to something that I previously would have thought that only a French Canadian could enjoy and that is boiled meat. Both corned beef and Daisy Ham are meals that you take perfectly good hunks of flesh and throw them into a big pot of boiling water, this does sound a bit nasty but the outcome is delectable.

I honestly thought that corned beef was something that Hormel created to take up space next to Spam but I have learned it is actually something that is made from real meat instead of some space age gluttonous gunk. Daisy Ham does seem a bit strange when you consider that you are taking a ham and boiling it for what seems days. I would not suggest though that my Jewish friends try this because I am pretty sure it still is not Kosher no matter that it no longer seems too ham like.

I have had my horizons widened with this exotic food but as always I want to push the boundaries of normality. Since "fusion" cooking is so hot right now with things like mixing Japanese with Mexican recipes I was wondering about mixing other styles with boiled meat. So I wondered what else could be boiled.....

Redneck food like possum? Hippie food like (well, drugs are illegal) and English food but I figure boiling anything English would probably actually add flavor to it.

Babes in Bikinis

I have been to beaches all over the world and I have seen all types of babes in bikinis but I would have to say that the beaches in New England have one of the oddest things that has ever prowled the sand, super wrinkly people wearing bikinis.

Old people play on the beaches in California and in Florida but there is a bit of difference. While I am not a big fan of liposuction or snipping (in these cases hedge sheers are used) and tucking rolls of wrinkled skin it is nice to have this done to women who demand to wear skimpy clothing while standing anywhere around me. The fact is old antiquated men seem not to have the need to show their wonderfully wrinkled rears to the world.

There is something really wrong when a woman who is a member of AARP dresses like she is starring at the local strip club. While the want to be stripper may actually have clothing on the wrinkles tend to cover up any evidence of cloth on the body. I am not  a pure prude but there is a limit on what should be acceptable in public.

I think that all people should go out to enjoy the sand, surf and sun but I respectfully request that if your body is less attractive then week old road kill that you wear something that does not flaunt it. I know I am not one to be speaking of looking great but I promise not to wear a Speado in public if the wrinkled people promise to do the same.

I used to be smarter then a 5th grader

It is fathers day and I will start my regular blogging back this week. This is one of my favorites because it talks about my daughter and I in a real life situation.

My daughter is in the 5th grade and helping her with her homework I realized I used to be smarter then a 5th grader but somewhere and somehow that all fell away into oblivion. I know that I once was smarter then a 5th grader because my school passed me up to 6th grade but of course that might have been because they really hated me and just wanted rid of me.

The big bang of realization occurred when I sat down to go over my daughters math homework, I do want to point out I am great at math, I even tested out of Calculus one and two in college. Looking over the problems she had solved I noticed one that was wrong and I gave her the correct answer and told her I wanted her to work the problem out to get the right answer. She went back to her desk, sat down and squirmed for 10 minutes and returned to me and asked if I could help her by showing her how to solve the problem.

Being the super smart dad that I am, I told her lets sit down and go over it together. It was at this moment that my brain literally started to ooze out of my ears, I had no idea why the answer was what it was just knew it was the answer. I fumbled through the book making the age old excuse that I wanted to make sure we did it like her teacher wanted her to do it. I quickly started scanning through the book hoping beyond all hope that the answer would jump out and I would once again be seen as the all knowing father.

Alexis, with her noble Persian eyes looked at me and did not even ask but stated "Dad, you really do not know what we are supposed to do but that is OK". I told her that I was sure her teacher would help her if she asked before class started. I then packed an apple, a flower and a sealed note for her to give to her teacher throwing myself at the mercy of a woman who is obviously smarter then a 5th grader and hoped that I would not be called into a parent teacher conference to talk about my inability to do simple math.

I will let you know if that dreaded meeting is called for in the future.........

Yes Sir, I Am Still A Black Man .... Still

I am still off roaming the Earth so here is another rehash. I am missing a dear friend of mine. He died a month or so after I originally wrote this. I do believe that he would be proud of where I am today and I honestly wish I could just talk to him for a minute to let him feel the joy that I have found.

Today I saw that an old friend had called me, I have known him for many years but he is actually old. The guy was probably on the ark with Noah and is probably to blame for not tossing the skunk and the rat over board when Noah was not looking.

This man is a retired black preacher that adopted me as one of his grand kids. The interesting thing to me about our relationship is he believes in the "black gospel", a belief that black people are God's chosen people and whites are the cursed people of the Bible. This has never gotten in the way of our friendship because he thinks even a cursed white man can be saved and be a full brother in Christ.

I then called my dear friend to see what he wanted to talk about. He started off by telling me that he knew I have had a real rough 6 weeks or so but he had noticed that I was back to normal. This of course was a bit offensive because I would hate to be totally normal. He laughed and said no, normal for you.

We chatted about life and the mysteries of the world when he asked me a very strange question. He lowered his voice to almost a whisper and said "Micheal, son, are you still a black man?". Now this might seem like a strange thing to hear but this is the same guy who just a couple of weeks ago went on a long walk with me and after his fifth cigarette told me that walking was much better exercise then jogging because you cannot smoke while jogging.

I really did not know how to respond and my brain was slowly ticking down to exploding when he continued. He told me that I was his favorite grandson even though he only adopted me as his and that people needed to know that I was his kin. I really did not know what to say, I love Dean, Sinatra, my favorite ice cream is vanilla and I have blue eyes and I am of Swedish heritage.

The preacher continued by saying that blacks throughout history have been beaten, sold into slavery, denied jobs, could not even go to some businesses because of the color of their skin but they also created some of the most beautiful music, art and inventions that all people of every color could enjoy. He then explained that while there are people who hate me some for jealousy, some because of boredom that I should continue to be a black man and do what I knew in my heart was true and right.

He then asked me again if I was still a black man and I responded "Yes Sir, I am still a black man". There is much wisdom I have learned from this man and most of the time it takes me a long time to figure out exactly what I was supposed to learn but on this MLK day I can proudly proclaim that I am still a black man.... at least to my dear friend.

Nuclear Reation In My Kitchen Again

Since I am off working the east coast I was asked if I could rerun this article. Since I am naturally lazy and do not want to write a blog while actually working it seemed like a good idea.

I woke up this morning a few minutes before 4 am and did not feel like working so boredom came quickly. I would like to say at this moment that all men love fire and it has been this was since the days of Adam. Most men like to blow stuff up but there are a few crazies that actually will stuff explosives in there underwear to blow their stuff up but I digress.

I hit the kitchen to see what I could eat, I went with oranges but some grapes caught my attention. This brought back a memory from a facebook friend who told me to cut one in half and microwave it. I did this and a small plasma ball formed. This actually is pretty cool but being a guy I thought that if a grape creating a plasma ball was cool then 46 grapes would even be better.

I grabbed a knife and went to cutting the grapes. While standing in the kitchen cutting grapes I realized that if I took a bit of foil and wrinkled it up then laid it out flat in the microwave to set the grapes on it might create an even better reaction. So... I proceeded with this experiment for scientific reasons I am sure (at least that was my plan if the fire department had to show up) and carefully laid everything out in the oven.

I turned of the lights to get a better view... flipped the switch....and presto it worked. Plasma, sparks and a few seconds later a small fire all ensued. To say the least kids, do not try this at home without adult supervision and if you are lucky enough to find an adult that will help you with the project then you probably need to find a smarter adult.

I do expect any moment for the presidents of Iran, Cuba and Venezuela to call and offer me millions for my nuclear secrets.

Divorce Must Be Fun (Update)

I am honestly sad to say that the mans divorce is set to be finalized October the 10th. The woman is now off to a new person and who knows what will happen with her.



I have another friend who is going to get divorced. I am really tired of hearing about all of the people who claim to love God with all of their hearts and yet do not love their own spouse. I am in no way suggesting that a person should stick with someone who is cheating, hurting or anything else like that. but I am aiming this directly at people who are the ones who are cheating and hurting those they claim to love.

The most simple rule to marriage is to make sure your spouse is your best friend. When this no longer applies to your marriage then it is probably time to call a divorce lawyer. I receive all types of emails from people and here is one that points out what I am driving at....

"Michael... How did this even happen...I don't know but I wish someone would help me out here...I love my wife...my son...and my life but with ***** I feel something so different!!! I talked to her earlier and I told her that I am in her life forever no matter what path she will choose......I have had many relationships in the past but never in my life has my soul interacted with another soul so deeply...This is not an obsession or just an infatuation but something a lot deeper that I can not quite describe."

This man sent this to me in December and in January his wife filed for divorce and he still cannot figure out why. He blames everyone except himself or the woman of his attraction.

Not to make people think that only men are cads this is one from a woman.

"Michael, I love my best friend with all of my heart. I am willing to do anything for him. I love my parents and children and ***** but they do not understand me. My bff is all I ever think about any more."

This woman is doing the same things as the man. She is actually blaming everyone else but herself for the demise of a marriage. She saw nothing wrong with having a best friend that was married and could not understand why his marriage fell apart after she publicly declared her love for him. She would write on Facebook walls about wanting to play naked with him yet became distraut when questioned by people about her actions.

You should marry your best friend, stay best friends and never look outside of your marriage for that best friend. I would like to say that I have many married women who I have a close relationship with but I NEVER want to be their best friend. That designation should be held for their spouse and  only their spouse.

There are two things you should learn from this blog.

1) If you are not married to your best friend then you probably think "divorce must be fun".

2) If you send me an email about how you love your best friend and you are not married to them then I will probably print it so others can see your foolishness.

To my many friends and aquaintences. please find the one you love before you get married. Make that love consist of a life long friendship. Have other friends, spend time with other friends but never let another person take place of who your best friend should be. If you do find a best friend outside of the one you claim to love then you are creating an evil situation.

I know this is ranting but I am actually sick of all the running around by men and women. We are not animals but a special creation of God. If the picture of marriage is likened to Gods relationship with the church then lets remember that God is not running around looking for a better friend then us nor should we be looking for a better friend then God.

Sorry for the blog but enough is enough! I know there will be people mad that I aired their dirty laundry but the fact is you should not write me and tell me about your sins unless you also understand that it was your fault. I do have friends that have made mistakes and are now paying for them but the ones I do not want to hear from are those who willingly create chaos and then try to blame others for it.

Viking Pride

I have always found it amusing that people of all races and cultures try so hard to make their ancestors sound like saints who never did any wrong. I on the other hand take pride in the fact that my forefathers were absolute monsters that pillaged towns and took the women for their own. These were not nice guys but it did help create blue eyed people from the middle east through Africa, Europe and into the Americas.

While I am glad we of the Nordic Aryan nations have finally turned out to be nice guys it is still good to know that we are capable of conquering whom ever we wish. This might all sound nasty and mean but the fact is I love the truth more then some fairy tale about great kingdoms and civilizations where there were none. There is no reason to claim huge kingdoms of advanced people where there were not any.

After all is said and done I love the stamina, strength and blue eyes that my people of old gave me. We may not have had the great art, cities and other stuff that people feel like they have to make up but we did have the toughest of men.

Since I will be traveling for the next few weeks I have invited a young lady to help with the blog. Susanna will be making some posts so please do not blame her for the bizarre stuff I write. She is a beautiful, conservative business woman who has much more to say then I do so I hope you enjoy her blogs while Judy and I are off to do our stuff.