I Am Not Excited About a New Year

A normal day if I were an evil  monkey clown.

As I sit at my keyboard looking back at the great abyss of time that we call 2010 I realize that I am not that excited about a New Year pushing itself upon me once again. This is not a somber feeling or wistful in the least bit but instead it simply has to do with having had such a fantastic year that I do not want it to end.

My year consisted of living in fly over country, the west coast and the east coast. I married the woman of my dreams and have even learned how to drop my "R"s like a real Yankee. I decided that I will not do the Boston accent though because it does make one sound like they had a stroke and cannot pronounce their words correctly.

My life has been a total adventure with the highest highs and the lowest lows..... well actually I had no really super bad things happen but it sounds better if I say something about the lows. I saw Crater Lake, the Giant Redwoods, Salem (the witch place) actually more things then many people see in a life time. I ate Elk, Yard Clams, Boiled Dinners, Fresh Lobster, Green Eggs, Squirrel Sausage, Chicken fried in Butter and so many other things.

Books, books and more books and I am not even what I would call an author. I joined ranks to work like a dog for a Theater Group and even met a woman who is sure she talks to ghost on a daily basis.

The simple fact is that I am living a life that most people only dream of having and I really do not want a new year to get in the way because it means I will have to work extra hard to have experiences that even come close to what I have had this year.

Evil Jewish Conspiracy?

If you came here to read about someone smashing the skulls of evil Jews then you probably will be disappointed. The fact is that Jews are not some evil race out to get the rest of us but instead are just people, some good some bad. An example of a good person with Jewish blood I would have to say, most obvious, Jesus. Then of  course there are Jews that are vile, the first one that comes to mind is Kenny G. I am not sure he is evil but his music sounds evil to me.


I am currently residing in a community where almost half of the citizens consider themselves of Jewish blood or faith. The thing I have found most interesting about this is that there is a Christmas Parade, Christmas Walk and a Christmas tree, nowhere is there a guy called Holiday Claus.People actually respect other peoples faiths. I am sure that there are a few Christians and Jews that are evil to others who do not believe like themselves but it is rare and not seen.

Talking with people around these parts (that is a phrase that should make my Yankee friends cringe) I have found that the people who are the most adamant about Christ being removed from Christmas tends to be people who claim to not believe in any God. They  explain that the reason they are so vocal is to protect the poor Jews from having to see a Christmas tree or a manger scene even suggesting that the mean old Christian would fall apart if they stumbled upon a menorah.

Lets get this straight, the problem is not the Jews or Christians nor does is seem to be a problem with Muslims. The problem seems to come from people who claim there is no God and then run around hysterical when they are confronted with any image of another persons faith. Are they scared? who knows but they sure scream like they are.

I think it is time for people who say there is no God to actually act like it. Most adults do not believe in a Santa Claus but we allow children to go on with their belief. That is all most people are asking of you, do not cower in fear and try to remove any symbol of Christ from Christmas and then claim that you are doing it for other people. You have become the new Flat Earth people, you are so fearful of what may be true that you want to destroy any evidence or anything that goes against your own belief.

I know that this type of blog is the kind that fills my email box with tons of nasty letters, some just telling me off and others claiming that they will get me kicked off the internet or put in jail..... I think I can handle that because a baby in a manger scene makes you cry in fear while I can handle it with no problem.

How to Fall in Love ..... and even survive it

I use to be like every guy since the day Adam showed up on planet Earth, if a girl winked at me and flirted even a bit then I was positive that I was in love. If men were honest (thankfully we are not) then we would let the women know how much control they have over our mind, body and soul. I had been in a state of what most people call love several times a day for many years. It sounds a bit chaotic but we guys have learned to deal with it.. This might explain why guys think every waitress, female coworker and even the girls on TV commercials love us.

Does that sound egotistical? nah... just being a guy.

In the last year or so I have made a discovery that will absolutely floor guys if they are able to grasp even a bit of the truth. Women are more like us then what we understand. Women actually are human and not just something God made for our entertainment. The biggest secret? A woman can be your best friend.

Over the last couple of years I became best friends with a young lady. It grew from talking about simple everyday things and moved to family and children and then on to our intimate feelings about life itself. Before I knew it she had become my closest and dearest friend. I still did not think of her as a romantic option because who could ever date their best friend? During this time after every failed attempt at romance I would always discuss the ups and downs with her, my best friend.

The revelation came to me one day when a friend announced that he was going to marry his best friend. The immediate thought that ran through my head was that I had no idea he was gay because you know that every guys best friend is another guy. It all made sense once he mentioned his best friends name, he was going to marry his best friend, a woman who was his friend both when he was brilliant and when he was stupid.

Since I tend to have many stupid moments and I mean MANY stupid moments, I realized that romance alone would not bring a good love life. I needed to look where men would normally avoid. I HAD to look at my true friends. Judy, now my fiance, fit the bill perfectly. She was the person I told all of my secrets to, she was the one that no matter what I did she would stand by my side. Judy was my best friend.

To simplify this whole concept...... if you are dating just to date then go after any girl that will swallow your lies. This is another big secret, guys do not tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth when they are romancing a girl.

If you are looking for a true love, one that is bound in love of the person then look at your true friends.

I was just lucky enough that my best friend and true love turned out to be a hot babe as well. I hope the rest of you guys are lucky enough to find your love to be your best friend.

What I Want For Christmas

So the year 2010 has brought me much joy and much sorrow.... actually very little sorrow but people will figure out I am egotist if I do not add the sorrow part. We all are collectively heading towards the greatest day of the year, Christmas. I know that some people will be upset and even lob threats at me for using such a vile word as Christmas but at this point in my life I think I can handle it. This makes me think of what a fully grown man would want on Christmas Day.

I assume I should say world peace, jobs for all or maybe Hollywood releasing one decent movie but actually I have given up on those fairy tales. This year I am going to be completely selfish, like that will surprise anyone. I am going to shoot for another monkey. PLEASE NOTE.... I did not say "shoot another monkey".

A young lady down the street gave me this fabulous prize seen in the above picture being modeled with my beautiful fiance and I think the boy is a little lonely. So if you are a bit strange, have a little money to spare then please mail me a live monkey quick. It would even be better if you could email me the live monkey because I would get it sooner.

If you have read this bizarre blog to the end I would love to send you a discount code to our books. This includes the new book that has everyone buzzing about what appears to be our current president but was written 30 years ago. Email me the request to fmcd2010@gmail.com