Hard Lessons I Had to Learn

I have lived in the great state of Oregon for a little over 24 hours and God has not destroyed it. I understand that many people believed that I would send the sin and/or mental level of the area one inch to far past what could be stomached and God would have no choice but to remove the area off the face of the map. Thankfully it does appear that I will be allowed to live here and the earth will not need be destroyed because of my move to Oregon.

I am sitting here this morning trying to plot and plan the take over of my new world. I have both brain cells firing at full blast and my blood/coffee level is at an appropriate mix. I have come to realize that even in my mental position of weakness that I have been able to gather up enough synapse juice to not only learn a few lessons but remember them as well. This is a short list of lesson about my new home state that I have learned.

1) The most beautiful women in the world live in Oregon. Not only are the women beautiful but they are smart as well but yet not quite smart enough to run when they see me. This gives me the hope of one day of being able to talk to one of these fine creatures because they just did not understand that they should have ran when they had the chance. The deer in the headlight syndrome will work to my advantage in this case (I hope)

2) The guys of Oregon are the manliest of men. Even though I am not a John Wayne clone the men of Oregon still allow me to exist in their presence and have even accepted me. The guys around here are such tough guys that they make Arnold Schwarzenegger look as weak kneed and sissified as your average Texas University football player.

3) Bigfoot does exist but I am still pretty sure that he does not live in the hippie commune up the coast a few miles. I have seen many pictures of Bigfoot and yet not one of them was the smelly Yeti wearing a tie-dye t-shirt and making blue berry wine.

4) Loggers, hunters, fishermen and various other environmentally evil people actually care more about ecology then the aforementioned folks who  live in the hippie commune. Just because you eat granola for breakfast lunch and supper you do not all of a sudden become more caring about nature then the hunter who eats granola as a snack.

5) There is a group of people that I honestly believe most Americans despise. People from a conservative state like Oklahoma would most certainly be happy to force them to ride on the back of the bus and people from a more liberal state like Oregon would have no problem allowing business to ban these people from stepping foot into their establishments. These people all look alike, smell alike, talk alike... they just seem to spawn like roaches. Everywhere I have gone across this great land of ours they seem to pop up. We need to seal our borders to keep these vermin out and we also need to round them all up and ship them to some other country. I was horrified to find out that the vile beast even live in my new home state. I know that I promised not to be one of those people who move to a new place and then try to change it but I honestly think most of my new neighbors would be happy if I could help eradicate career politicians from our ranks. The scary thing is that just like roaches you know that if you see one career politician there are 100 others hiding somewhere that you cannot see.

These are just a few of the things I have learned so far while living in Oregon. I now need to figure out what to do for the weekend but between beautiful women, manly men, Yeti, granola eating hippies and career politicians I am a afraid that I wont have time to figure anything out. It will be just another lonely Saturday watching the dust bunnies multiply under my bed.